Rewriting Radiance - Rashi for Keter/Crown

It's been a while since I posted an update on my Kabbalistic Fantasy novel, Radiance (check out the first draft here), and honestly, it's been a while since I worked on it.

But recently I started working on the final chapter of the book, before the epilogue, that I wrote in the style of Biblical prophecy. While I enjoyed the conceit, and felt like it worked for the novel, I realised that it made the ending quite ambiguous. Rather than offer total clarity however, which seemed to fly in the face of the reason for writing in Biblical style in the first place, I thought I would write a Rashi-style commentary to go along with it, in the best of Jewish traditions.

If you want to read the first draft of this chapter, check it out here. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy the beginning of the 10th section of Radiance - Keter/Crown. Rashi commentary begins with the bold words quoting the text:


The word of the Lord came to Asher son of Eliav when he dwelt in the city of New York, saying:

            Thus proclaims the Lord:
       I have waited for you, My people, years I have waited beyond measure;
      And still you stir up My anger against you.
      Why do you sit in silence when My world cries out for justice?
      When My people suffer under the yoke of oppression, why were your words not heard?



    The city of New York: This is not coming to tell us a new word but rather a word that was created at the dawn of time, only now revealed to flesh and blood. Or alternatively, the verse is only coming to tell us where Asher son of Eliav lived, but the prophecy came when he was in the holy land of Israel.

    I have waited for you: This is what the verse says “The Lord, the Lord, God, merciful and gracious, slow to anger…” (Exodus 34:6).

    My world cries out for justice: This is according to its simple meaning, but according to the legend, in the future to come the earth will open its mouth and say ‘woe to me, that blood has been spilt on my back and it has not been avenged’

Rewriting Radiance - What's in a Name?

A rose by any other name might smell as sweet, but I've been finding some names in Radiance less appealing as time goes on. While I wrote about my original intentions here, and while I still like the names of Asher, Virgo, Asher's parents and the Sitra Achra, the names of the rest of the Seven just aren't working for me any more.

So here are my thoughts on other options (I used www.behindthename.com liberally to research this article):


The Seven…
While accurate, calling the group simply 'the Seven' conveys very little information, and isn't terribly exciting. So what else could they be called? The Seven...

Midot - meaning aspects, principles, attributes or measures. More Hebrew might be undesirable, however, and it still isn't that evocative.

Facets/Archetypes - conveying the idea that these are all different aspects of the same divine force. I prefer facets, as it suggests the 70 faces of Torah, evoking a gemstone. Archetypes is a bit drier but more precise.

Manifestations/Avatars/Incarnations - these are all more fantastic, perhaps more appropriate to a fantasy setting, and accurate descriptions of how I imagine they function. Except for the connotations of the word (the movie, the cartoon, Hinduism) I think I prefer Avatars, but given the reality of pop culture, Incarnations might be the better choice.

Sephirot - a better option than Midot perhaps, in that it sounds better, seems a bit more accurate, and conjures more interesting images, it also suffers from being in Hebrew.

More after the jump.

Rewriting Radiance - The floods raise up a roar

Few major changes this week than in the past, but in the 'villain' scene at the end of Tiferet/Splendour (you can read the original here) I wanted to add some clarity to Ashmedai's objectives, and make him a little more understandable, so that his actions in the final scene make a little more sense.

Originally, he merely says the following:

    “Where is my payment?” demanded Ashmedai as Samael stepped away from the captives and walked back down the tunnel towards him. Ashmedai took on the angel’s face as he spoke, twisting the features of fire and stone into the shadows that surrounded him.

But this didn't seem expressive enough of the King of Demons' desire for the sensations of the flesh. The updated version is after the jump:

Rewriting Radiance - The Lower Temple

Welcome to another behind the scenes look at Rewriting Radiance, in which I show you some of the thought processes going into revising my kabbalistic fantasy novel.

I love the scene from the fifth section of Radiance, Tiferet/Adornment, in which Asher and Virgo descend to the Lower Temple, the synagogue of the demons, but I felt that it wasn't quite living up to its potential. While I loved showing how frum (religiously scrupulous) Jewish demons are portrayed, the setting just wasn't rich enough.

Cont. after the jump

Rewriting Radiance - The ancient mountains

Another addition to Radiance, this time in the second part, Yesod/Foundation, in between chapters 8 and 9, after Asher has met the Seven and before his encounter with the dybbuk.

My original intent had been to cut out as much of Asher's training as possible to get to the 'super-powered' part as quickly as I could but I found that it was both too fast and ended up giving the supporting cast too little air-time. Without some opportunity to get to know them, it seems that the readers have little reason to worry about the fate of each member of the Seven. This is my attempt at filling both those gaps.

But have I done enough?

I could easily imagining stretching some of these encounters into longer ones, or having Asher meet angels and take part in an exorcism. Would these be good additions or is this enough as is?

Let me know what you think in the comments below.

    As Asher watched the sun dip in the sky, he found himself astonished that he was not as terrible at Hebrew grammar as he had always supposed. Two months in, he was really getting the hang of it, conjugating verbs like a master (or so he thought), beginning to read full sentences and complex ideas. The pattern of it seemed to make sense to him - there was a kind of music about it that made it stick somewhere deep inside in a nonsense poem of verb formation. I killed, you killed, you (f.) killed, he killed, she killed… Everybody killed.
    But in the growing frenzy of preparations for the oncoming shabbat, he couldn’t help but hope for some more peaceful verbs to work with.
    In the kitchen, Ostar surged around the counters, mixing ingredients together furiously to prepare the meal before the sun set and all preparations had to be complete. Even without his gleaming armour, the manifestation of Netzach, Divine Victory, was an impressive sight a bulking figure that seemed to fill the entire small urban kitchen, smiling and laughing out loud at his own near-unending jokes, even as the sweat started to gather on his brow. Mercury, the embodiment of Hod, Divine Splendour, and, as Asher had learned only a month prior, Ostar’s wife, was slicing carrots while drilling him on his verb forms, her long dark hair tied neatly behind her head..
    “What was that?” she said, never looking up from the silver blade that effortlessly divided the vegetables.

Rewriting Radiance - Tiferet Edition

Complete links to the first draft of Radiance (my kabbalistic fantasy novel) can be found here.

Progress on rewriting Radiance continues, albeit rather slower than I would like as real life complications, such as expecting our first child in the next 8 weeks, get in the way. But I wanted to share some revisions from the fifth section of the novel, entitled Tiferet/Adornment.

In the first chapter, entitled Good to Give Thanks to the Lord, Emma Grunfeld, Asher's mother, journey's through the heavens to encounter the divine. In the early part of the chapter I described roads of fire and ice, concluding:

"Emma’s mind was full of ice and flames. But she had to keep moving.
    A wall rose up before her eyes, a wall of sapphire stones, refracting the light into a million shards of green and blue. "

But I realised that this was a very abrupt transition from the heat and cold to the sapphire stones. I also decided that I wanted more phrases that were redolent of biblical and rabbinic texts. Combining both of these issues, I came up with the following solution:

"Emma’s mind was full of ice and flames. But she had to keep moving.
    And then the heat and cold was no more, like streams that overflow with thawing ice whose water vanishes in the dry season.
    A wall rose up before her eyes, a wall of something like the appearance of sapphire stones, refracting the light into a million shards of green and blue."

Continued after the jump...

Rewriting Radiance - I have taken off my robe

In the process of rewriting Radiance, I realised that I needed some extra chapters in the early part of the book, to fill in more of the back stories of the characters. This is the new chapter 4, that comes after we meet Asher and Virgo but before they meet each other. I love this chapter and hope you do too.

    Asher pulled the coat closer around him, feeling the light fall of rain begin to seep through to his skin despite his best efforts, and the large umbrella being held over him by Uncle Melvin (not really one of his uncles at all, but an old family friend). After seven years in America, he had almost forgotten how much he hated English summers.
    Drum beat rain beat down on the hollow pine as the coffin was lowered gently into the black earth. It was quite unreal.
    Someone nearby burst into tears and had to be gently consoled - it would not do to have to great a display of emotion. His mother seemed to tut in disapproval under her breath, her face an empty mask as cold as the wind roaring over the hilltop cemetery, and whistling between the low forest of tombstones and memorials.
    No, ‘Emma Grunfeld does not cry’, he heard her mother’s austere voice saying in his mind. And neither did he.
    Someone handed him a shovel.

Jewish Eyes On The Arts Salon - Reading Radiance

Want to watch me talk about Radiance and read some of a new chapter? Check it out - thanks to Jewish Eyes on the Arts - www.oholiav.com

Rewriting Radiance - Yesod/Foundation

    "They sat below Grand Central, in seats arranged to resemble a train carriage, passing through every major destination at once. This was the gate to everywhere."




Welcome to the 2nd installment of Rewriting Radiance, in which I delve deeper into my editing thoughts and processes. For this installment we're going to take a look at chapter 6, the first part of Yesod/Foundation, in which Virgo and Asher chat in Grand Central.

My most frequent comment, as I explained in part 1 of Rewriting, is to add more detail and depth. My style tends towards being overly terse and I often feel that passages need to be extended. Originals will be in italics major changes in bold.

See what I changed to these opening lines after the jump: