Rewriting Radiance - Yesod/Foundation

    "They sat below Grand Central, in seats arranged to resemble a train carriage, passing through every major destination at once. This was the gate to everywhere."




Welcome to the 2nd installment of Rewriting Radiance, in which I delve deeper into my editing thoughts and processes. For this installment we're going to take a look at chapter 6, the first part of Yesod/Foundation, in which Virgo and Asher chat in Grand Central.

My most frequent comment, as I explained in part 1 of Rewriting, is to add more detail and depth. My style tends towards being overly terse and I often feel that passages need to be extended. Originals will be in italics major changes in bold.

See what I changed to these opening lines after the jump:

Radiance 7 - Blessings of heaven above

From Arthur Koopmans -
http://arthurk87.deviantart.com/

    “Wow,” was all Asher could say, reduced to near-meaninglessness in the face of what he could not comprehend.
    “Wow?” Virgo said, raising an eyebrow and twitching a faint smile.
    “Definitely. Wow.”
    “Well if you’ve wowed yourself out, perhaps you’d like me to show you around.”
    Virgo gestured down the crystal hall and up the spiralling staircases that snaked around the walls.
    “So where are we exactly?”
    “Further up, deeper in,” Virgo answered. “The Palace of Understanding isn’t really a place, not in any normal sense of the word, but it is a space, a safe space for the Seven to meet, recoup and plan our next steps. Once you are one of us, you too will be able to bring yourself here, as I did.”
    “Uh huh,” Asher nodded, barely listening as he tried to absorb the wonders around him. The castle seemed to have been designed by M. C. Escher in one of his more psychedelic moods, all shining light and twisting stairways.
    “This represents the third of the ten sefirot, the realm of Binah, pure understanding. The light that shines is the light of Chochmah, wisdom itself, shedding its impenetrable sparks on reality.”

Radiance 6 - Whose branches climb over a wall

The second section of Radiance begins today. I would love some comments as to whether I've explained the background well enough - I'm aiming for brief but comprehensible. More details will emerge as the story continues but I want this to feel satisfying.

Yesod - Foundation

22 Joseph is a fruitful vine, a fruitful vine near a spring.
Whose branches climb over a wall…
25 The God of your father who helps you
And Shaddai who blesses you
With blessings of heaven above,
Blessings of the deep that crouches below,
Blessings of the breast and womb.
26 Your father’s blessings are greater
than the blessings of the ancient mountains,
than the bounty of the age-old hills.
Let all these rest on the head of Joseph,
   on the brow of the prince among his brothers.
    -Genesis, Chapter 49

15th Shevat 5776
    They sat below Grand Central, in seats arranged to resemble a train carriage, passing through every major destination at once. This was the gate to everywhere.
    Asher sipped a hot chocolate, while Virgo was tucking in to large, violet cupcake.
    “Do you want some?” she asked, spotting him eyeing it.
    “No thanks,” he mumbled.
    “It’s good - and hechshered” Virgo added, as if Asher had been holding back wondering whether the cake was kosher enough for him or not.