Rewriting Radiance - Yesod/Foundation

    "They sat below Grand Central, in seats arranged to resemble a train carriage, passing through every major destination at once. This was the gate to everywhere."




Welcome to the 2nd installment of Rewriting Radiance, in which I delve deeper into my editing thoughts and processes. For this installment we're going to take a look at chapter 6, the first part of Yesod/Foundation, in which Virgo and Asher chat in Grand Central.

My most frequent comment, as I explained in part 1 of Rewriting, is to add more detail and depth. My style tends towards being overly terse and I often feel that passages need to be extended. Originals will be in italics major changes in bold.

See what I changed to these opening lines after the jump:



   "They sat below Grand Central, in seats arranged to resemble a train carriage. One window showed the skyline of New York City, others showed Chicago, Los Angeles, Las Vegas. Sitting in this central point, they were passing through every major destination in the country at once, whizzing by cities and towns with all their people, all their joys and troubles. Meanwhile people came and sat and ate, looking at their clocks as they rushed off to make a train or meet a friend or relative.
    This was the gate to everywhere."

I wanted to hint at the idea of Yesod as embodied in Grand Central, the place where doorways open up to everywhere at once, Petach Einayim, the opening of the eyes, to use the Biblical and Kabbalistic phrase.

"Asher sipped a hot chocolate, while Virgo was tucking in to a large, violet cupcake.
    “Do you want some?” she asked, spotting him eyeing it.
    “No thanks,” he mumbled.
    “It’s good - and hechshered” Virgo added, as if Asher had been holding back wondering whether the cake was kosher enough for him or not."



I wasn't happy with Asher drinking a hot chocolate. Having sunk into the depths of Malchut, I couldn't quite picture him savouring the taste of cocoa:

"Asher sipped a cup of tap water, while Virgo was tucking in to a large, violet cupcake."






A small change, perhaps, but I think the tone of it works a little better.

Finally, as part of my efforts to increase the attraction between Asher and Virgo, the following passage needed reshaping:

    "In two more mouthfuls the cake disappeared and Virgo looked up at him with her bright eyes, a perfect balance of black and white. Her face was striking - angular but absolutely symmetrical, everything in its proper proportion."

    "With two more mouthfuls and a lick of her lips the cake disappeared. and Virgo looked up at him with her bright eyes, a perfect balance of black and white. Her face was striking - angular but almost absolutely symmetrical, everything in its proper proportion, shining and vibrant. For a moment he almost lost himself in the black of her pupils, until she broke his gaze with a small cough."

With a few additions like this I hope to increase the sexual tension between the main characters, for later payoff in Tiferet/Adornment.

That's it for now. Let me know what you think of these changes, and I hope to keep you updated with my process as it continues.