Rewriting Radiance - Tiferet Edition

Complete links to the first draft of Radiance (my kabbalistic fantasy novel) can be found here.

Progress on rewriting Radiance continues, albeit rather slower than I would like as real life complications, such as expecting our first child in the next 8 weeks, get in the way. But I wanted to share some revisions from the fifth section of the novel, entitled Tiferet/Adornment.

In the first chapter, entitled Good to Give Thanks to the Lord, Emma Grunfeld, Asher's mother, journey's through the heavens to encounter the divine. In the early part of the chapter I described roads of fire and ice, concluding:

"Emma’s mind was full of ice and flames. But she had to keep moving.
    A wall rose up before her eyes, a wall of sapphire stones, refracting the light into a million shards of green and blue. "

But I realised that this was a very abrupt transition from the heat and cold to the sapphire stones. I also decided that I wanted more phrases that were redolent of biblical and rabbinic texts. Combining both of these issues, I came up with the following solution:

"Emma’s mind was full of ice and flames. But she had to keep moving.
    And then the heat and cold was no more, like streams that overflow with thawing ice whose water vanishes in the dry season.
    A wall rose up before her eyes, a wall of something like the appearance of sapphire stones, refracting the light into a million shards of green and blue."

Continued after the jump...



The first addition is a reworking of Job 6:15-17:

¹⁵ But my brothers are as undependable as intermittent streams,
    as the streams that overflow
¹⁶ when darkened by thawing ice
    and swollen with melting snow,
¹⁷ but that stop flowing in the dry season,
    and in the heat vanish from their channels.

Here Job accuses his friends of being undependable, and vanishing when he needs them most. The combination of heat and cold imagery worked well for my context, and I think the idea of dependability is something that really drives Emma on. She knows that she has a job to do and will not let Asher down, though he himself has no idea he needs it.

Then the sapphire stones are a combination of Exodus 24, when the people see God sitting above a pavement of sapphire stones, and Ezekiel that often couches his descriptions of the appearance of the divine being and throne in such distancing language "something like the appearance of...", which is to say similar and yet radically different.

One other major change I made to the chapter was in the final prophecy, that, while functional, was always a stand-in until I could think of something better:

"The days of the Seven are almost over - while they may succeed for a time they shall swiftly fall, for among the Seven lurks a traitor. When the depths rise, when the Bound One wakes, then this world shall come to an end and Asher son of Eliav will die.”

It got the point across but it didn't ring true of Biblical prophecy.

So after composing the final chapter in mock parallel Biblical verse, I tried my hand at this prophecy for a second time. Still not totally happy with it but I think it's much more unique and appropriate for the world I've created:

“The days of the Seven are coming close,
        Their time on earth is nearly done.
    While they may flourish like grass,
        Rise like the morning sun,
    They shall fall to the pit,
        The grave will open its gates.
    For among the Seven hides a traitor,
        Hides with blade unsheathed for slaughter.
    When the depths rise up, when the Bound One wakes,
        The world shall cease to be.
    And on that day, Asher son of Eliav will die.”

As always, all feedback gratefully appreciated! And a special thank you to all of you for pushing Mythic Writing over 5000 views! Hope you're enjoying what you see.